30 Days of Crossfit

September 22, 2009 6 comments


Dave and I have challenged each other to 3o days of Crossfit. We are also eliminating sugar from our diet. Not all sugar but anything with high sugar.  No deserts, candy, treats…or all of the stuff we eat WAY too much of. We are both lacking excitement in our workouts and are looking forward to getting stronger and leaner. Since my last day with my trainer I haven’t done Crossfit so I’m super excited to get started again this afternoon.  Dave was the one who suggested doing it together and I was thrilled with the idea. Usually he likes to do his own thing, so when he suggested we do Crossfit together I was SO excited! We are going to (well me at least,i’ll see if i can talk dave into it) take our measurements tonight and see what sort of progress we make after 30 days.  I was only doing Crossfit 2x a week with my trainer so everyday is going to be a challenge, but I am up for it! I am excited to build up more endurance and get stronger. Heck…I might be able to throw that pull up party by then! There are a few rest days in-between so it’s not 7x a week, more like 5 or 6.   I bought the 30 day shred and plan on doing it with my sister-in law and dave if he’s up for it after we do our 30 days of Crossfit.  I love taking on new challenges and setting goals.  Tonight Dave and I are going to set a few goals for the next 30 days to keep us motivated and going strong!

I thought it might be fun to challenge husbands and wifes, bf and gf to do this as well. I will post our workouts each day and talk about them a little bit, we can discuss what we did each day and help each other stay motivated and strong. You can follow our workouts, or you can go to www.crossfithardcore.com and pick and choose your own workouts. I don’t want my posts to be all about cross fit, but while we’re doing it I thought it would be fun to talk about it. So if you are interested in doing it with us, ask ur hubby, ur boyfriend, or challenge yourself…

Oh ps…I have a post almost ready to publish about our weekend in Illinois, but I have to wait until I get home to upload some more pictures! 

Do you work out with your husband, boyfriend, friends?
If so does it help you stay more motivated than when you’re on your own?

Categories: Fitness


September 17, 2009 12 comments

guilt trip bagg

Dr. Laura says that guilt is something you feel when you do something wrong. I felt guilty today about something and i’d like to share. I’d planned on waking up early this morning (earlier than normal) and getting in a good work out before heading to work.  I had to get here (work) early because we are leaving to go to Illinois this afternoon to visit Dave’s family.  I set my alarm, but unfortunatley didn’t hear it go off, this rarely happens, so when I woke up to the clock reading 6:15 am I was pretty confused. I raced to get ready and get out the door. I ended up getting here at my normal time sans any exercise.  I know it’s not a big of a deal for most people to miss a day of exercise and i’m ok with a day here or there too, but Tuesday I was really sore and I thought it was important to let my muscles recover, and yesterday I planned on it being another off day due to our plans after work. I came in super early yesterday and was not about to get up at 3am to exercise (that would be an extreme behavior and i’m working to stay away from those).  So this mornings exercise was something I was not only looking forward to, but also something I felt was important. As I sat at my desk this morning I started to feel guilty.  Before I let these thoughts get the best of me I called “Dr. Phil” (my husband) (hopefully he is amused by all these names i’m making up for him) He is my go to guy and when i’m struggling with what I call negative behavior and can’t quite push it out on my own, he always helps me see things clearly.  I told him how I was feeling and the first thing he said was….”guilt is something you feel when you do something wrong”.  He then asked me if I did something wrong.  My answer was of course, No.  Every so often he lets out a comment that i’m sure he’s been holding in for the just right moment…this time he said, nat you’ve got to stop feeling guilty about so many things.  My immediate thought was “what things”…but instead of being defensive, I agreeded and after few more words of encouragement we ended the conversation with an i love you and g-bye.

When we got off the phone I thought about what he said for a bit.  Geeze louise… This week alone I thought of three times that I felt guilt……I do feel guilty about a lot of things, and probably most are unwarranted.  It’s good to care about personal things, others and their feelings, but if caring makes you feel guilty all the time, then it’s not a healthy type of care. I continued to analyze.

This may sound crazy, but I actually like it when I figure out something about myself that needs to change.  It’s a challenge and something to work towards.  I have made  many changes in my life over the past 3 years. Instead of being offended or defensive when a personal challenge arises, I am actually motivated and excited to tackle it.  I feel lucky to have a husband who loves me enough to help me progress and give me encouragement when I need it.

Guilt is not warranted when you did nothing wrong. I’ve known this all along and have probably counsled family on this very subject.  Taking a step away from my own mind and saying it over and over really helped me apply it to my situation today. I’ve got better things to do than pack my bags and send myself on a guilt trip. See ya later ya guilt…don’t let the door hit ya on the way out! 🙂

I no longer feel guilty about not exercising today. It is not going to kill me. Don’t get me wrong, my overly guilty conscience has not been eternally cured, but I did have a good long talk with it (my guilt), and I’m pretty sure it knows that i’m not too happy with how its been acting.  Hopefully it payed close attention to what I told it. Over time i think it will slowly start to leave me alone. 🙂


Do you feel guilty often? Not just about your diet or exercise…but anything in life?

How do you eliminate unnecessary guilt?

ps…i’m headed off to a small town in Illinois with no more than 400 people.  Dave’s brother doesn’t have internet and his parents only have dial up…so it’s not likely that i’ll be posting this weekend. I’ll make sure to take some good pictures and report when I get back.  They live out in the country and I plan on going on a few runs, it shall be lovely…i’ll let ya know how it goes!

Getting to know you…and me :)

September 17, 2009 13 comments

It’s been a few weeks since I started this blog and I can’t tell you how much i’ve enjoyed it.  I appreciate all of your comments and gain so much strength and excitement through reading your stories and learning more about what motivates you.  I thought it might be fun to do a little “get to know you” post.  There are so many people I have communicated with over the past few weeks that I don’t know and have never met. I thought it would be fun if we were able to get to know each other a little better through this post?  If you are reading this, I want to get to know you!  I haven’t shared too much about myself, outside of  my about me  and my few posts, so here is a little more about me and my life.

Hi, its me…nat or nattie to dave, nanny to the fam, nat to friends..aka Natalieme carFact: I like to braid the front part of my hair

My desk 7-4pm (bah humbug)deskFiction: I’m in love with my job

This is what I do at work:
me sleepFact: Yes, this is a fact

This is Little honey
rocket launch daveFact: He always smells good ALWAYS

The Shaw’s (that’s our last name)usFact: I knew I loved him before I bet him..
(true story…we met through a mutual friend who introduced us 
through facebook he lived in Washington I lived in Utah)

Cute little turtle
Turtlelayout-1Fiction: She doesn’t drive me crazy when she meows like a crazy cat 🙂

Our happy day -6.1.07-
Question: Do you like my hair better brown or blonde?

We currently reside here
utah_90Fact: If my family wasn’t here I wouldn’t be either

We used to live here (Portland, Oregon)
11111111Fiction: I hate the rain

Ok, I think thats enough pictures for now.  I’ll end with a few other things that I love:  I love all things fitness, love to eat, love to sleep, love to cuddle, love to watch tv, love to be with family, love the rain, love to travel, love to take naps, love to wake up early, love to talk, love to dance, love to learn, love to laugh, love to love.

I’d love to learn more about you. I know most people hate when they are asked to stand up and tell something special or unique about them selves, but since this is a blog I won’t make you stand up, I’ll only ask that you tell me something unique or special about yourself.  Give me some insight into who you are. Take the opportunity while your at it to appreciate yourself for who you are!! Can’t wait to read what you have to say!


What is something unique about you?

Categories: Thoughts/Feelings

How much do you weigh?

September 16, 2009 33 comments


It must have been the devil who whispered that number in my ear that will forever be known as my “goal weight”, “perfect weight”, or whatever else you want to call it.  You know the one i’m talking about.  The weight you have always dreamed of being.  The number on the scale that you long to reach one day. The number you deem as “perfect”. My STUPID  number has been “the” number for so long i’m not even sure why or when I came up with it. I don’t know how I decided on that specific number or why I am was convinced that when I weighed that number it meant happiness.

120……What a stupid number.  I hope I never see it again.  Well maybe that’s not entierly true, but to be honest I really don’t care if I ever see it again. Want to know why?  Because it is a number. A NUMBER.  It is NOT ME.  I am not that number.  It took me over 10 years to figure out that weighing 120lbs does not define who I am.  It does not determine my happiness. “HELLO Natalie WAKE UP!! Until I started to open up my ears,eyes and my mind I didn’t get the call.

My sister in law (who should be referenced more in this blog due to her countless advice over the years) gave me some advice a while back that I FINALLY ended up taking (but not without learning the hard way). The advice she gave me was not to weigh myself, and if I was going to do so, don’t do it often. I used to weigh myself every other day…and once I realized that wasn’t a good idea I limited it to once a week. Once a week seemed reasonable, it wasn’t everyday and it would help track my weight loss (or gain..eek!).  The only problem was when weigh day came, if I did not see the exact results I was looking for, I immediately got discouraged and made myself feel awful. When I started making healthy changes in my life, I decided that I would wait six weeks between weighing myself. I was sure this was a great idea!

One of my inital goals was to participate in a moderate exercise program. I started by lifting weights and incorporating cardio into my daily routine. After a few weeks my body started to change, my clothes fit better, I felt better and I knew my physical routine was getting my body in better shape. I was still quite fixated on how much I weighed or how much i’d lost. I counted down every day to the six week mark. When six weeks were up I weighed myself.  The number I had anticipated did not appear on the scale. Immediately my feelings of success, achievement and excitement went down the drain.  Minutes before weighing myself I had felt great, I was positive, excited, feeling on top of the world. Immediately after I got off the stupid scale my attitude changed.  I didn’t feel great, I didnt think I looked great, and I started doing what i’d always done.  I began thinking negatively.

 I soon after consulted with my psychiatristt aka husband (he’s not really a  psychiatrist but it feels that way sometimes). He gave me a much needed kick in the butt.  I told him how I was so upset at how much I weighed and that all my hard work was not producing any results and bla bla bla…I whined like a baby. Unlike other times in the past where he had consoled me and tried to comfort my concerns, he stopped me mid sentence and sternly said…”STOP IT NATALIE”.  He continued very sternly telling me that I was being absolutely ridiculous.  He reminded me that for the past six weeks I had been so happy and positive. I had been making incredible progress both mentally and physically. He told met if I was going to let the number on the scale dictate my attitude and progress that I might as well give up on the idea of change right now.  As much as I wanted to be hurt that he was basically calling me a baby and telling me to quit feeling sorry for myself…I knew he was right.  Why did it matter that I didn’t weigh exactly what I wanted. Was I seeing positive resluts…yes! Was I feeling better about my body…yes! Was I making healthy choices in my life…yes! Was I making positive changes…yes!  Why should I care how much I weigh? 

Answer:  I SHOULDN”T. 

Thankfully my view on my weight has changed significantly since then!  I can’t say that if I gained a lot of weight I wouldn’t be bothered, or that I wouldn’t like to lose a little, but I can say i’ve made a serious committment to myself.  Here it is…I will never let my weight aka that silly number on the scale have anything to do with how I view myself or my body.  My focus is on making myself  the best I can be….from the inside out.  No number on a scale can tell me who I am or how to feel about myself….I’m in control. (take that ya stupid scale!) 🙂

When I made that committment I also decided that for me it is better if I don’t weigh myself. So i’ve stopped doing so. I have found different techniques that help me track my physical progress without weighing myself or focusing on weight loss….

  • I started taking my measurements every few months
  • I’ve started fun training progrms (ie. crossfit, shred, PX90) and take before and after pictures afterwards
  • I’ve set strength goals (ie. I want to be able to do a pull up in the next month) …i’m so close!
  • I’ve set endurance goals (ie. I want to run a 10k by the end of the year, if my back will allow)

How often do we let how much we weigh dictate the way we think and feel about ourself? I’m afraid it’s much too often. It’s not about the number on the scale or reaching your “perfect weight”, it’s about living a healthy, happy and productive life.  Whether you weigh 20lbs, 120lbs, or 220lbs you are more than that number.  You are not defined by how much you weigh or what your body looks like. You are defined by the thoughts, choices and actions you make on a daily basis.  Your thoughts will eventually turn into your choices and your choices will create actions.  What are you thinking about?  Whatever your thoughts may be, do you focus those thoughts and your energy on the negative? Or do you practice positive thinking and give yourself the love and appreciation you deserve?

How much do you weigh? Do you know? Do you care?  I really don’t know how much I weigh…and I really don’t care. What I do know is how I feel and that I am making healthy positive choices everyday. I also know that if I can do it…so can you. Try eliminating the things in your life that let you entertain negative thoughts. You will be surprised at how much power have. Take the wheel…you are in control.


  • Do you have a “perfect weight” Or a number that you have always been trying to reach or stay at, and have you ever stopped and thought about where you came up with that number and if it is realistic?
  • How do you measure personal success?

I love comments 🙂

Peanut Butter Lover

September 10, 2009 9 comments


In my old life I used to sneak peanut butter.  A spoon full here or there when no one was looking and sometimes much more than that. Who was I hiding from you ask?? Myself. Thats right..my natzi self. Eating peanut butter was something I considered cheating and sinful. It felt like I was breaking a rule that stated peanut butter was the devil and when I partooke I would be damned to hell….or at least it left me feeling that way afterwards.  As quilty as I felt, and as much punishment as I put myself through after eating it, i’d always end up eating it again.  I remember watching my sister eat  peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for breakfast. She had no worry or guilt and was definitely not sneaking it.  The peanut butter sandwich was not her guilty pleasure but instead her breakfast of choice. She would always follow it up with a big glass of milk, and as I watched her I envied her guiltless conscience.  Why couldn’t I dig in to the peanut butter jar and feel no guilt?  The answer is simple.  I WAS CRAZY.  🙂 ok just kidding…not crazy, but seriously confused.  Lets take a look at the nutrional value of Peanut butter:

                                           Peanut Butter Nutritional Info

 Check out this article about healthy benefits of boiled peanuts…aka peanut butter.

So here are the facts: 190 calories for 2 tbs of Peanut Butter.  16 grams of fat. 8 grams of Protein. 3 grams of sugar. Eating 190 of my precious calories on Peanut Butter seemed INSANE.  It’s easy to understand my logic when you realize I was restricting my diet to 1000 calories or less (most times less). In my world after a couple spoon fulls of peanut butter you have eaten more than half of your allotted calories for the day.  I believe this is why I labeled Peanut Butter as a “bad” food.

When I began my journey to a healthy life there were so many things I had to change.  I’ve taken it step by step and conquered one thing at a time.  Changing the way I think about food… “good” food and “bad” food was one of those changes.  I did a lot of  reading, thinking, and talking with friends and family. I began to better understand how to have a normal relationship with food.  NO FOOD IS BAD FOOD.  Fat free mayo is not “good” and Regular mayo “bad”… low calorie bread is not “good” and regular bread “bad”….neither one is “good” or “bad”.  Eating, although pleasurable is really about fueling our body’s.  Making healthy moderate food choices can help fuel our body’s and give us the energy we need to live healthy lives.  I have learned that moderation is the key.  Through trial and error, prayers, motivational talks from my husband and through a lot of determination, I actually feel in control with my food choices and am proud of my progress. 

Just for fun… Here are a few things related to my food choices and thoughts that a year ago I would have never thought I could do….(without feeling guilt)

  • If I want regular mayo on my sandwich then dog gonitt i’m going to have it. 
  • If I decide that I like regular bread instead of diet calorie bread because it taste better and has more nutrients I’m going to have it. 
  • If I want a cookie or a piece of cake i’m going to eat it.
  • And last but certainly not least….If I want to eat peanut butter everyday then I will and I’ll feel great about it.

That guilt that I used to feel is gone.  I realized that peanut butter is not “bad” for me when eaten in moderation.  Although I could easily help my self to the entire jar, a spoon full or two each day is perfectly fine. Infact, since I have changed my behaviors and let myself eat the things I enjoy (which also include a plethora of healthy and nutritional foods) I have actually lost weight.  Although losing weight is not my goal, it happened.  Slowly my body has started to accepted the changes I have made and is loving my new healthy choices. It appreciates the extra protein it gets, and the rich nutrients it receives through eating yummy fruits and veggies. It loves the carbs I give it that allow it to fuel through a hard workout among other things.  Ironic as it may be, eating a healthy moderate diet has not only benefited my mind and spirit but my waist line!  Who knew!  (everyone but me obviously!?)

Through this process I have had many triumphs both small and large.  Last night as I read my emails with a spoon of peanut butter in hand, I realized that I felt no guilt eating it . None what so ever. Guilelessly eating peanut butter is a huge triumph for me. In conculstion….I am a peanut butter lover who loves peanut butter and I’m proud of it! Woo HOO!

It’s more than just burning calories

September 9, 2009 13 comments


I used to HATE exercise. H A T E it.  It was never fun, never felt good, it was more of a chore than anything enjoyable. The ONLY reason I exercised was to lose weight. I never thought i’d get to the point where I actually liked it. Well here I am. I actually like it. In fact I love it. Exercise is important to me for so many reasons now.  I used to think it was only useful in helping me lose weight, but I was wrong. Exercise does so much more for me than that. I read this article the other day and wanted to share it.  The article lists 13 proven health benefits of exercise.  I feel like I have benefited from every one.  Take a looky….

  • Longevity. People who are physically active live longer. According to a 20 year follow-up study, regular exercise reduces the risk of dying prematurely.
  • New brain cell development, improved cognition and memory. Exercise stimulates the formation of new brain cells. Researchers found that the areas of the brain that are stimulated through exercise are responsible for memory and learning. For instance, older adults who engage in regular physical activity have better performances in tests implying decision-making process, memory and problem solving.
  • Improved sexual function and better sex life. Regular exercise maintains or improves sex life. Physical improvements in muscle strength and tone, endurance, body composition and cardiovascular function can all enhance sexual functioning in both men and women. Researchers revealed that men who exercise regularly are less likely to have erectile dysfunction and impotence than are men who don’t exercise.
  • Exercise is a powerful antidepressant. Study after study has shown that exercise promotes mental health and reduces symptoms of depression. The antidepressant effect of regular physical exercise is comparable to the potent antidepressants like Zoloft. It may take at least 30 minutes of exercise a day for at least three to five days a week to significantly improve symptoms of depression.
  • Cardiovascular health. Lack of physical activity is one of the major risk factors for cardiovascular diseases. Regular exercising makes your heart, like any other muscle, stronger. A stronger heart can pump more blood with less effort.
  • Cholesterol lowering effect. Exercise itself does not burn off cholesterol like it does with fat, however, exercise favorably influences blood cholesterol levels by decreasing LDL (bad) cholesterol, triglycerides and total cholesterol and increasing HDL (good) cholesterol.
  • Prevention and control of diabetes. There is strong evidence from high quality studies (e.g. Finnish Diabetes Prevention Study) that moderate physical activity combined with weight loss and balanced diet can confer a 50-60% reduction in risk of developing diabetes.
  • Blood pressure lowering. The way in which exercise can cause a reduction in blood pressure is unclear, but all forms of exercise seem to be effective in reducing blood pressure. Aerobic exercise appears to have a slightly greater effect on blood pressure in hypertensive individuals than in individuals without hypertension.
  • Reduced risk of stroke. Research data indicates that moderate and high levels of physical activity may reduce the risk of total, ischemic, and hemorrhagic strokes.
  • Weight control. Regular exercise helps to reach and maintain a healthy weight. If you take in more calories than needed in a day, exercise offsets a caloric overload and controls body weight. It speeds the rate of energy use, resulting in increased metabolism. When metabolism increases through exercise, you will maintain the faster rate for longer periods of a day.
  • Muscle strength. Health studies repeatedly show that strength training increases muscle strength and mass and decreases fat tissue.
  • Bone strength. An active lifestyle benefits bone density. Regular weight-bearing exercise promotes bone formation, delays bone loss and may protect against osteoporosis – form of bone loss associated with aging.
  • Better night sleep. If you suffer from poor sleep, daily exercise can make the difference. The natural dip in body temperature five to six hours after exercise may help to fall asleep.

Written by C. Simmons of HealthAssist.net

If that didn’t give you 13 good reasons, to get up off your bum and get in some exercise, I’m not sure what will!

In my past life I never lifted weights. I was so focused on cardio and physically seeing the amount of calories I burned each workout, that lifting weights did not interest me at all.  When I began thinking clearly and realized that I didn’t know everything and that fitness experts may know what they are talking about..I decided to start lifting. I wanted to learn how to properly lift weights and build muscle, so I got a personal trainer. It has been such a fun, hard and rewarding experience. I have learned so much and have enjoy every session. I only have one session left and I am pretty bummed about it.

I meet with my trainer 2x a week for 3o minutes. Since I like to workout in the morning and get to work early, I meet with him at 5:00am.  I admit that I want to die when my alarm goes off , but once i’m out of bed and on my way to the gym I’m awake and ready to go.

I started writing this post to talk about my workout this morning because I loved it..so I guess I should get to the point. My work out this morning was one of the hardest workouts i’ve had with my trainer thus far.  Have you heard of Cross Fit?  It is GREAT! For the past three weeks all my training sessions have been Cross Fit works outs.  These work outs are hard core. They are short, intense and KICK YOUR BUTT!  Click this link to learn more about Cross Fit.

My workout today went as followed:

21 Assited Pull ups
21 Push Presses
21 Burpees
.25 Mile Run

Then you repeat the process with 18 reps of all four sets, then 15 reps, 12, 9, 6, and finally finish it off with 3 reps.

It took about 55 minutes to complete. It was crazy hard and I loved it! I was dealing with a little asthma this morning so that made it even harder.  There were a few times that I actually almost threw up.  Ha…I didnt even know that was really possible. Lifting weights is incredibly hard. SO MUCH HARDER than cardio, and in my opinion much more rewarding. I can actually see muscle’s developing on my body that didn’t use to exist. I am so much stronger than when I started. I have more endurance, more strength and definitely more mental power. Six months ago I couldn’t even do one push up and now I can do 30…30!  I have never been able to do a pull up my entire life, not even one……BUT I am getting so close. Today was the closest i’ve been. I think I will throw a pull up party when i do my first pull up. My point for this post is that i’ve learned that exercise is much more than burning calories. Being physically active will help you feel strong, motivated and powerful in all aspects of your life. I love feeling those ways, don’t you? It’s not easy to exercise or push yourself to do hard things physically…but in the end it is worth the time and energy that it takes.

After my last session with my personal trainer I plan to continue doing Cross Fit for a few months. I also wanted to try the 30 day shred… has anyone ever tried that? I thought it might be fun to do cross fit or the 30 day shred or something like that together and maybe track our results??…does that interest anyone?

A few questions for YOU to answer:

Have you tried Cross Fit?  If so do you Like it?

What type of exercise do you enjoy?

Please comment. I really want to hear your thoughts! 🙂

Categories: Fitness


September 4, 2009 2 comments


I learned a great lesson in perception last month. Since its taken me forever to get started on this blog I am just now writing about it.

So here’s the situation. At the beginning of July I started to do a push up challenge. This challenge helped you build up to do up to 100 pushups in 6 weeks.

( I’d like to note that 5 months ago I couldn’t even do one and now I can do A LOT! )

Anyhow…. at the beginning of the challenge I decided I wanted to take a few before pictures to see if my shoulders, arms and back would see any improvement.  I made it clear to Dave that I only wanted the pictures of my arms and upper back…I also made it very clear that I didn’t want him to take a picture of my stomach or lower back.  I was concerned at how my “love handles” would look. I remember picturing how they would look (the love handles) on camera and I didn’t want to see it. He ignored me and took the pictures from the waste up.  As I scrolled through the picture and got to the picture that showed my lower back, I was very surprised.  The excess fat that I perceived to be hanging over my pants did not exist.  What? Right then I realized that my perception of my body is WAY off.

Is my body perfect? NO.  Is it Fat? NO.

For me to be so paranoid about my love handles that don’t really exist was ridiculous.  I was so glad this happened. It gave me a positive mental kick back into reality.  I realized that sometimes we perceive things much different than they really are!  For me my body is one of those things! After this experience I decided to make a positive change. Ya know those jeans you never wear cus they are a bit snug, or that shirt that is so cute but makes you feel fat?  I HAD…key word HAD a ton of  those.  I decided that I was going to wear them…all of them.  I realized that my perception of how I looked in them was not real and I was letting perfectly good clothes sit on their hangers when I could be wearing them and looking great doing so.  It felt awesome…and still does, and I increased my wardrobe a ton!  I have been wearing all of things that in the past I would feel uncomfortable or “fat” wearing and I actually feel great when wearing them….

QA: How is your perception of your body?  Are you realistic?

Challenge:  Pick out an item of clothing that you have purposely been avoiding because it doesn’t fit right or you feel “fat” in and wear it tomorrow.  When you wear it feel confident and realize that you are beautiful!  Tell yourself you deserve to feel this way and you will not let a tight pair of jeans, or love handles make you feel otherwise!